The Pursuer-Withdrawer Dance: Which One Are You?

If you buy relationship books, you might be a . . .

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If you...

- buy relationship books
- feel like you do all the work to keep your relationship afloat
- can easily list the top 3 issues in your relationship
- try to get your partner to listen to relationship podcasts you liked
- want more emotional intimacy
- want to deal with issues in your marriage immediately

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You might be a pursuer.

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If you

-feel fine in your relationship most of the time
-don’t remember all the details of the arguments you have
-are happy to talk about anything other than your emotions
-feel criticized when your partner wants to talk about your relationship
-would rather process internally than out loud with your partner

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You might be a withdrawer.

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Pursuers find safety in connection. They learned somewhere that upset should be fixed by talking it out. So, in a relationship, they are looking for any disconnection and will point it out or bring it up in the hopes of finding safety again.

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Conversely, withdrawers learned somewhere that safety is found in self-reliance. They have learned to be ‘fine’ on their own. Talking about tricky things, especially their own deeper emotions they’ve carefully boxed up, makes them feel unsafe. So, withdrawers are not going to bring it up and don’t really want to talk about it. They feel they’re protecting the safety of the relationship by avoiding conflicts that could threaten it.

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One is not better than the other, but it sure does help to be clear about which one you are.

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I asked a couple’s therapist, who estimated that the vast majority of marriages have a pursuer and a withdrawer. He said that in his experience, marriages with two withdrawers stay together forever but never know each other deeply. With two pursuers, there’s passion and heat… and often a fairly quick dramatic end. One of each seems to bring some balance.

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Maybe pursuers are attracted to the stability of withdrawers; maybe withdrawers are attracted to the passion of pursuers.

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I know that’s how it was for me, but I didn’t have this simple frame for it until about 18 months ago. I’d read all about attachment theory (because that’s the kind of thing we pursuers do), but I found the island, dolphin, and wave analogies squishy and unhelpful.

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I didn’t mind being a pursuer, though. That clicked. Seeing myself as wired for passionate connection was refreshing. I always just thought I was rather high-maintenance, so much so that I often felt bad for my wife. Now, I could feel like the keeper of the flame. (And I had to learn to be gentler with that flame; more on that later.)

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If you’ve read this far, I bet there’s a pretty good chance you are a pursuer, too.

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How’s that going for you?

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