Protecting vs. Connecting: The Amygdala’s Role

Your brain is wired to protect you. That wiring is very good at its job but will wreck your marriage if you let it.

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Amygdala: Part 1

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The amygdala is a little almond-shaped part of your brain tied into your limbic system. It helps you learn what is dangerous and delivers the instantaneous response to that danger. It tries to avoid pain and doesn’t distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain. It’s equally great at avoiding tigers and that vague disapproving look your spouse gave you once.

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The problem is that the amygdala is a hoarder of worry. It hums along, gathering all the scary things and trying to get you to avoid them. In a long-term relationship, we bump up against our partners a lot. We hurt each other, mishandle conversations, get overwhelmed and tired, and say dumb stuff. It’s normal. We are imperfect. Over a long-term relationship, there can be a lot of worry to hoard.

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Those hurts pile up. And the amygdala, doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing, collects more and more things that are scary - more and more topics to avoid - more and more reasons to avoid being vulnerable.

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Even better, our amygdala saves a stack of scary things from our childhood and brings them into our marriage. It inconveniently forgets where the scary came from and mistakenly blames our partners for things they had little or nothing to do with.

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What is normal is letting our amygdala paint us into a dull little lonely corner of safety. We have a hard conversation about something—in-laws, sex, money, or kids, to pick a few common topics—and it doesn’t go well. So our amygdala labels that topic ‘not safe.’ Saying it’s our fault would be emotionally risky, so those same safety mechanisms will try to convince us that it’s our partner's fault. Blame is much safer.

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If both partners’ amygdalas get to run the show, intimacy dies, growth dies, and the future looks boring at best and nothing but scary at worst.

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